Sunday.

(Courtesy of the amazing Lizzy Stewart)

The Wolves

Someday my pain, someday my pain / Will mark you

Harness your blame / harness your blame / And walk through

With the wild wolves around you / In the morning, I'll call you / Send it farther on

And the story's all over you / In the morning i'll call you

Can't you find a clue when your eyes are all painted Sinatra blue

What might have been lost / Don't bother me

- The Wolves, Bon Iver (the true love of my life)

Vulpes vulpes

Miss Kotova you inspire me ;)

I know a lovely Russian lady named Olga, who has a blog that everybody should read.

She writes posts about 'being a girl who currently...'(insert fascinating facts here), so I'm inspired to do the same. I'm not as fab as her tho, so go read her blog. Now.

So I am a girl who currently...

- Doesn't know what to do with her life. That's new for me.

- Really needs to dye her hair

- Watches so much Orangutan Diary it's embarrassing

- Can't wait to have her empire with Lisa

- Counting down the days to you my loves...4 weeks!

- Roots for every underdog

- Pervs on waiters. But only very specific ones.

- Is just a little Martha Stewartish, ever so rarely

- Wants to run away

- Doesn't know what to say most of the time

- Loves her friends always, but especially now

- Likes cuddles, but forgets to draw the line (Olga is better at this)

- Thinks that you are the best part of 8pm

- Makes good cake (red velvet especially)

- Eric over Bill, every time.

- Has the cosmic horn 

- Misses her Japanese girl

- Knows she's not home quite yet

- Is trying to learn that being kind is more important than being right. Or is it?

- Is nice. I promise. And you're, well, not.

- Needs something NEW. No more dusty antiques (this is figurative, I need my ceramic swans)

- Will be just fine. I think.

Fail. Win.

So it's that wonderful time of year again...and time for some self-improvement.
I blogged my resolutions last year, thought I'd see how well I did...


1. Be healthier. Lose weight. Boooring but there you are. Er, epicness of failness.
2. Not waste time on silly boys, make more time for non-silly ones. Ahem. Well.
3. Paint more, sleep less. Only illustration stuff, thought about sleep all year.
4. Design like I give a damn. Coz I do. Always.
5. Listen to all the music on my itunes. (I get stuck in my playlist rut) Let's just say the Glee soundtrack may have set me back a bit...
6. Do the things that make me happy. Almost.
7. Be unafraid. I fear less all the time.
8. Work out what I'm doing with my life in 2011. Hmm. 
9. Write my dreams down. Nope.
10. Be happy. Because sometimes misery can be less effort. No comment.


So all in all, absolute failure. But I've got other things I'm proud of...
1. I've now been a vegetarian for just over 8 months. It can be an absolute pain, but I'm so happy to finally be acting on an issue that is so close to me.
2. I'm trying to kick people out. You don't deserve anything from me anymore.
3. I finished my degree...I finally have my BA in Communications Management :) Fancy words for making pretty pictures.


My adventure's just beginning. Happy New Years xx

Another self-indulgent blog post

(Most of the arrogance, ignorance and shallowness is my own anyway.)

Surprise surprise

Things have been out of my control lately.
This is new to me.

Glandular fever=
I did not finish Vega today.
I can't intern yet.
Missing out.
Many a Jerseylicious episode.

I guess I can't do it all. Surprise.
X

Better luck next time

I don't have much to say.
I've lost my voice, literally, and my brain seems to have followed suit.


"Do you always think this much, Charlie?"
"Is that bad?" I just wanted someone to tell me the truth.
"Not necessarily. It's just that sometimes people use thought to not participate in life."
"Is that bad?"
"Yes."
- The Perks of Being a Wallflower


So much can change in 7 days.


This Kitsune Rouge is going into hibernation.
Goodnight.

Introspection

Yesterday I crawled back into bed and lay there with my knees to my chest.
The curtains were parted just enough that the light was making an imprint on the inside of my eyelids.
I think too much, always have. And so I lay there and thought some more.

I thought of moths and how I have always loved them. Always rooting for the underdog.
I thought of all the work I have to do and how paralysed I feel.
I thought of the line between wearing your heart on your sleeve and keeping things inside.
I thought of the end of the year.
I thought of the end of Vega.
I thought of spindles and sleep.
I thought of how a fox could love a bird, but she would always drag him down to her level.
I thought of puzzle pieces left in the ground.
I thought of  you.
I thought of skin.
I thought of living up to expectations.

I listened to the rain.
I felt warm inside my ugly jersey.
I said nothing.
I slept.

Goodnight.
x

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

I get into this mood sometimes.
The one where I can't sleep but I'm far from awake.
And I think of you for the first time in months.
And remember misplaced memories.


Like taking communion for the first time, the wafer sticking to the roof of my mouth and blocking my throat.
Making scones in my grandma's kitchen. Hers round, mine rabbit-shaped.
Tippexing IDs for Jess and I.
Saying I love you and not meaning a word of it.
Finding out about his death on Facebook.
That polka dot dress you loved.
Roadkill on the side of the freeway.
Oversized band T-shirts.
Trying to be cool.
Trying too hard.
(I still try too hard)
Paint on my blazer.

The night I caught fire.

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."- The Perks of Being a Wallflower

This is too much now. Goodnight.

Introspective nonsense

Things change, people change, nothing is the same.

The other day I found myself telling Justin that I don't change, I've never changed. That's not entirely true. 

I'm kinder to myself now, I don't believe I have to keep going all the time, I don't believe in organised religion, I believe in gay rights, I know what I look like is only a small fraction of who I am, I know I can be on my own, I enjoy silence and revel in solitude, I can say no.

But I don't really change change. The tattoos I wanted 5 years ago I still want, I listen to the same bands (plus some awesome new ones obviously, but still), I have the same friends, I go to the same places, I shop at the same places, I eat the same processed shit, I like the same things.

And I crave change, but I crave the comfort too. 

And I wish I could stay completely the same, so that you'd all love me for being easy and complacent and stuck. But I am changing. I'm changing and I'm scared of being left behind, and even more scared of leaving you behind. 

Let's face it, people change and forget to tell each other. This is just a warning.

Lucky numbers.

No rest for the wicked, so Star's shirt says.
Well I've spent my whole life avoiding wickedness, but still no rest it seems.
I'm tired. My standard response to everything these days. It doesn't seem to change.

2 days until the April "holiday"
4 briefs I should be doing right now.
1 band I feel like listening to.
1 week 1 day until my dad comes home.
1 week 4 days until my mom comes home.
1 hour until my grandparents get home.
10 fingernails I can't stop biting.
12 episodes of Fringe I want to watch.
100 books I want to read.
1000 places I want to go.
48 hours of sleep needed.
2 people I am worried about.
8 months until its finished.
7 months until I'm 21.
90 000 hairs on my head that need washing.
1 caramel-vanilla cake that needs baking.
3 words I can't say.
100 friends I've neglected.
1 I should.
1 blister that is hurting me.
5 kitsch frames I bought today.
1 birthday present too.
1 3D movie to see tomorrow.
1 plan to work out for next year.
1 post-grad to find.
1 hand that determines my entire career.
1 plan I was left out of
1 wave of nostalgia killing me.
1 place I should be.

Forf

I have 4 and a half more hours until my alarm goes off.
But I can't sleep.

I'm itchy from cluster pictures (that thing I'm scared of), tired from drinking, stressed coz thats what I do, exhausted from running after you, sweaty from being hot all day.

Need to make a toga.

Standing in the rain

Oh! Oh Goddamnit! I think I've lost it.
Oh God! Goddamnit, I think I've lost you.



Oh! Oh Goddamnit.
I think I've lost it and I think that I've lost you.

Weather Channel.

Self-indulgence at its best

I liked Olga's post so I'm copying it :)

Michelle...

1. Natural redhead who wishes it was more red than orange.
2. Doesn’t believe in star signs, but is a classic Scorpio.
3. Hates the radio.
4. Loves night time, doesn’t like mornings.
5. Hates diamonds.
6. Loves jewellery featuring objects. Hence my scissors, clothes peg, bird cage, clock, anchor, ship and key pendants.
7. Bites her nails, stops, then bites some more.
8. Hates being so serious, but has no off switch.
9. Likes origami.
10. Only likes the beach when the suns gone down.
11. Likes potentially pretentious things like art exhibitions and independent movies.
12. Wishes she had perfect teeth.
13. Likes being on her own, but shouldn’t do it for too long.
14. Dreams almost every night.
15. Doesn’t have nightmares so often anymore.
16. Loves her grandad more than anyone else in the world.
17. Can’t help correcting spelling mistakes.
18. Loves junk shops.
19. Loves the kitsch. Has always wanted porcelain ducks for her wall.
20. Used to paint all the time and doesn’t anymore.
21. Loves design more than almost anything.
22. Has a thing for fine liners.
23. Has a phobia of sharks.
24. Hates tomatoes, they are Satan’s minions.
25. Will love anyone who buys her a lucky packet.
26. Hates small talk.
27. Loves talking about her cats.
28. Never liked dolphins when she was little.
29. Believes in karma, and thinks she’s a bitch.
30. Favourite club is Fiction.
31. Worst club is Wadda. Fok.
32. Would believe in God whether she wanted to or not.
33. Favourite colours are red, purple and black.
34. Loves Photoshop, not such a fan of Illustrator.
35. Would only ever drink Cosmopolitans if she could.
36. Hates it when people cheat.
37. Has a weird phobia thing that is very hard to explain, but is sort of like rice when it’s all together? No one?
38. Could probably quote all 8 seasons of Scrubs.
39. Loves vampires, but hates it when they sparkle.
40. Wears too much eyeliner.
41. Has a weird photographic memory for some things.
42. Has watched Fight Club at least 20 times.
43. Has never been as excited for a movie as she is for Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland.
44. Loves grungy girls like Courtney Love and Marla Singer.
45. Wants to get married in Vegas.
46. Was probably always a perfectionist, but design made it visible.
47. Hates it when people tell jokes about disabled people.
48. Thinks Flight of the Conchords is the funniest series ever made.
49. Loves funny guys, would marry Jack Black in a second.
50. Life’s mission is to go to Disneyworld.
51. Loves Kinder Eggs. They are the shiz.
52. Likes guitar hero.
53. Doesn’t like change.
54. Loves birthdays.
55. Can’t handle being the centre of attention.
56. Loves little one-liners that catch you off-guard.
57. Doesn’t make decisions easily.
58. Far too competitive.
59. Loves music, loves lyrics more.
60. Likes cheese more than chocolate.
61. Not superstitious.
62. Gets really sad when she sees roadkill.
63. Almost did fine art at UCT.
64. Doesn’t like advertising.
65. Likes moths more than butterflies.
66. Loves Doc Martens.
67. Will more likely dislike someone than like them, it’s a huge flaw.
68. Loves ice-cream.
69. Wants a Stepford Wife kitchen. All pastels and floral.
70. Prefers baths to showers.
71. Doesn’t trust permanently happy people.
72. Hates those colour-coordinated sets of packaged art from décor stores.
73. Is not into minimalism. Likes clutter.
74. Loves make-up, especially MAC.
75. Tears things up when nervous.
76. Will always make paper roses with straw wrappers.
77. Thinks organised religion is dangerous.
78. Likes to bake for people.
79. Does not enjoy driving.
80. Constantly hot, hardly ever wear long sleeves.
81. Could drink her weight in absinthe and would still remember everything.
82. Likes hugs.
83. Has Catholic guilt despite never being Catholic.
84. Wants to visit Russia.
85. Is self-deprecating.
86. Gets sad easily.
87. Is a Pure Poison wearer for life.
88. Likes kitsch religious iconography.
89. Thinks that people like the Queen and Martha Stewart are into BDSM.
90. Loves fonts more than most.
91. Collects things.
92. Cries easily.
93. Has funny toes.
94. Is not a fun drunk, but wishes she was.
95. Has lucid dreams sometimes.
96. Is good at adding numbers together quickly in her head.
97. Shocking dancer, shouldn’t do it in public.
98. Would like to design book covers please.
99. Loves the Style Network.
100. Could sleep all day.
101. Likes Dr Pepper.
102. Doesn’t know enough about current affairs.
103. Believes that if Kitsune Noir thinks its cool, we should too.
104. Wishes she had the legs for liquid leggings.
105. Needs a new hula girl for her car.
106. Can’t resist a guy in a cardigan.
107. Hates Chinese character tattoos on non-Chinese people.
108. Loves paper.
109. Is the jealous type.
110. Has many defense mechanisms.

Here in my head